The heist was set for exactly 12:15 when the night watchman took his break. Pip pulls out a sundial.
“How are you going to know when it’s 12:15?” Bop asked. “The sun isn’t out.”
“Don’t worry.” Pip replied. “I brought a flashlight.”

My clock is so slow…
     It loses races with snails.
     It has to be reminded to tick
     I got a pet rock instead
     It has its own time zone
     It has training wheels

What do you call a timepiece that doesn’t go when you want it to? _______________ A Stopwatch.

Girl, that’s some strange perfume you’re wearing. Smells like it’s in a hurry.
Honey, that’s ‘cause time is of the essence.
I got a flat tire on the way to my appointment.
Were you late?
No, I had time to spare.
Three friends went to ride a zipline. Paul was hesitant so Bill went first. “That was fantastic!!!” he yelled to them at the end. Paul was still unsure so Peter went next. “What a blast!!!” he yelled. Finally Paul rode the line. “Wow! That was great!!!” he yelled. So…
A good time was had by Paul.

What do you have if you take break time and expand it to full time? _____________ Vacation time.
You got an F on your math test. I thought you memorized the times table.
I did, but it was Amtrak’s.
What do you call a beach that goes on forever?_________________________ The sands of time.
The Jobs Well Done team of programmers created a computer program that could beat chess masters, win at Jeopardy and generally outsmart any question that was posed to it. Professor Wasakloc from the Chronometry department posed three questions to it.
1. What is the difference between a burst of time and a time shadow?
2. What is more accurate 12 o'clock or 0 o'clock?
3. What is longer in equilateral time?
A year later the program was still processing. Clearly it had failed the test of time.
My clock got laryngitis so I didn’t hear my alarm go off this morning.
Did they dock you for coming in late?
No, it was sick time.
I gave my girlfriend a watch and she lost it. I gave her a wall clock and she lost it. I gave her a clock tower and she lost that too. But I’m a sucker for her excuses: “Honey, when I’m with you I lose all track of time.”
My clock is so fast…
     I can’t take it out because it gets speeding tickets
     It has to stop every hour and wait for time to catch up.
     I have to keep it on a leash
     The alarm turns off before it starts
     It can only fit one half hour in an hour

What do you have if you take break time and expand it to full time?  
A pink slip and a lot of unpaid free time.
The review committee threw me and my clock out. I don’t get it, they advertised for a fully functional time machine.

I got a time share in Acapulco. Turned out I was sharing my time with a guy who snored. I didn’t sleep a wink.


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